Uberdark : A Satire
by Graffito Tag
Summary: Evil, madness, perversion, whining- the darkest darkfic ever! Uberdark!


Uberdark  
  
  
  
It was another morning exactly like every other. The sun was, of course, covered by thick black storm clouds, ready to rain drops of misery on all below. However, even that wasn't enough to keep the birds from singing their shrill songs of lies and debauchery.  
  
Damn them...  
  
It was the same morning that enveloped a certain house deep in the dark valleys of Japan. The dilapidated exterior of the house was the perfect reflection of the hopeless souls within. Yes, things had changed greatly since that fateful day when Tenchi contracted the brain disease: gingivitis.  
  
There, in front of the house sat a depressed shell of what was once the feared criminal Ryoko. She stared at the black sky and ignored the chill in the air, after all, she didn't deserve to be warm.  
  
"Why," she thought, "why does everyone have to hate me so much? Is it because of all the people I killed? It must be! I'm such a whore!" she began to cry, "All I've ever wanted is a family, ever since I was in that orphanage where they beat me and forced me to use drugs of some sort. And Tenchi...Tenchi is the worst of all. After that damn disease nearly stole him from me, he's been so different. He looks at me like he wants to kill me! Sometimes...I just wish I WOULD die." Ryoko frequently had thoughts of suicide, and she would have done it too. In fact, the only thing that kept Ryoko from hanging herself was the lingering hope that a certain Japanese boy would rip her eyes out and make sweet love to her brain. It hadn't happened yet...but it was still early! She wiped her face free of tears, dusted off her clothes and prepared to give Tenchi her unique wake up call. Perhaps today he would realize that her constant attempts to seduce and harass him were just a cry for help and attention.  
  
Probably not.  
  
  
  
Within the house stirred another who's heart was set on Tenchi.  
  
Ayeka tossed and rolled in her sleep. "No, daddy, no! You're abusing me or something!" She awoke suddenly when she smacked her head on the wall. The pain in her head was barely noticeable. For the last few months, she'd had much more to worry about than a little bruise...  
  
because she was a vampire.  
  
Oh yeah, and a Nazi.  
  
Tenchi lay awake in his bed, eyes closed, reflecting on the meaninglessness of his life, when he felt a weight pressing down the side of his mattress. He mentally cursed his luck as Ryoko put her arms gently around him.   
  
"Good morning, Tenchi."  
  
"Yeah? And just what's so good about it?"  
  
Ryoko was still persistent. "It's always a good day around you." Tenchi sat up in the bed and looked at her coldly.  
  
"Ryoko, get the hell out of my room."  
  
"But, Tenchi, I..."  
  
"Now! I don't want to see your pathetic face as much as you think I do!" Ryoko began to tear up again, as Tenchi walked to his closet.  
  
"Tenchi, how could you be so mean to me? And on my BIRTHDAY!"  
  
Tenchi turned, smirked at her and said, in a faux-comforting tone, "Ryoko, don't be a retard. I KNOW it's your birthday, and I intentionally didn't get you anything because I don't like you." Ryoko was shocked at his cruel reply. Ayeka was standing in the doorway laughing at her.  
  
"Aaah, now THERE'S a woman. Come here Ayeka, maybe the rest of the morning can still be salvaged." The relatively cheerful purple-haired woman nonchalantly tossed Ryoko out of the way and sat on the bed of her scrawny Japanese love toy.  
  
"You see, Ryoko?" she said, "Herr Tenchi could never love a bony, pathetic bitch such as yourself."   
  
"Ayeka, we must make love now!" They laugh at Ryoko's misfortune as she sadly fades through the wall. Suddenly, Tenchi seems very concerned.  
  
"No, this isn't right. RYOKO!"  
  
She looked back hopefully. "Yes, Tenchi?"  
  
"Go to hell."  
  
"...Yes, Tenchi." Tenchi listens for a few seconds.   
  
"Okay, Ayeka, she's gone. Get out so I can get dressed."  
  
"But...but Herr Tenchi...the love making..."  
  
"Come on, Ayeka. I don't have time for this today...just leave."  
  
As distraught as Ayeka could have been, the blow was cushioned quite a bit by the memory of the pain on Ryoko's face. Besides, she was hungry...in numerous ways. Two in fact.   
  
Tenchi wasn't quite sure what to do about it, but he was becoming hungry too, in a third...and possibly fourth way...  
  
  
  
Across the house, another classic morning scene was being played out in Noboyuki's room. This particular scene was the one where Noboyuki curls up in a corner and fights away the angry voices.  
  
"Achika! Leave me alone! Please! It hurts..." The memory of his dead wife was always with Noboyuki. Her voice tore through the fiber of his mind. It was a curse, endless torment! It was...  
  
A thing.  
  
"Noboyuki, don't you think it hurt when you killed me?"  
  
"No! I didn't kill you! It wasn't me!"  
  
"Yes! You ran me over with your car. Remember? The blood. I won't let you forget."  
  
"I didn't know that car was loaded!"  
  
"Shut up! Murderer! Don't you love me?"  
  
"Yes! I've never stopped loving you."  
  
"Prove it then! Prove your love. I'll return to you." Noboyuki raised his head.  
  
"Return? When?"  
  
"When? When I can see the hearts of all of these...sluts." Noboyuki paused. Could he really kill all of the girls?  
  
"Wait! Noboyuki, you mustn't leave Tenchi alive. He'll ruin everything. While you're at it, you'd better take out the old man. And the dog, kill that too."  
  
"NO! I can't hurt Tenchi! He's our son. And our dog died years ago!"  
  
"He's YOUR son, WIFE KILLER. Do him in. Give me all of their hearts." Noboyuki was filled with a perverse joy! He could finally have his beautiful wife back! Hurrah!...but now, breakfast. Breakfast then killing.  
  
Washu was in particularly high spirits that morning. This, of course, couldn't possibly end in anything but pain and horror for many, many people. It had taken her longer than she had expected but, thanks to the brain disease, she'd finally had a chance to extract a semen sample from him. Her plan was nearing the final phase. With his sperm and her ovum, she could create the most powerful, most perfect son/servant/lover/destroyer (/lover again) in the entire universe.   
  
First, she needed a suitable Juraian womb...  
  
But now, breakfast. Then womb stealing.  
  
  
  
Sasami smiled casually as she carefully laid out each place setting. She enjoyed the idea of everyone sitting down together to enjoy her delicately prepared meals...well, not quite everyone. She began to sneer at the thought of that disgusting tramp.  
  
"Damn you, Tenchi!" she thought. She wasn't even sure why she hated him so much. There was just something about him that rubbed her the wrong way, and that was enough to incur her unbridled contempt.  
  
Sasami tried to forget about him quickly, lest it ruin her pleasant mood. She looked over the table, but something just didn't seem right. She laughed a little when she caught her mistake. There was a place set for Ryoko.  
  
"She knows the rules. I guess I should go fill her bowl with dog food."  
  
The young princess wasn't the only one who was busy hating Tenchi's guts.   
  
Somewhere in the boundless, barren field that is space, Galaxy Police officer Kiyone sat on the floor of her cruiser, holding the picture that she had spent the last half hour staring at. It was the picture of her late partner.  
  
"Mihoshi, why'd you have to die?" she sighed. Kiyone remembered how Mihoshi's golden hair would bounce when Kiyone would smack her, and her eyes, bluer than the bluest of KoolAids. More than anything else, Kiyone wished that she had realized her feelings for the blonde vixen earlier. But it was not to be, all because of that skinny load Tenchi. She spat upon his very name.  
  
Kiyone kicked up her feet, and thought back to the day it happened, when her one true love was stolen forever.  
  
It was sunny that day, for the first time in a long while. A bright and glorious day, and Mihoshi had demanded that they take a walk to better enjoy the bright gloriousness.  
  
"Isn't this great Kiyone?" she asked in her high, feminine voice. "Today is just such a great day to not be dead, don't you think?" She adjusted her large sun hat and breathed deeply the fresh and aromatic summer air, "Wow! Of all the things I enjoy most, being alive is probably one of them!" Kiyone wasn't so jolly.  
  
"Mihoshi, sometimes you piss me off so much! Just kick off already," she had made a new year's resolution to be meaner to Mihoshi, and this time she was going to stick to it. "And I wish you would hurry up about it too, preferably in the next five minutes."  
  
That was about time Tenchi appeared with the scissors.  
  
"Hey, Tenchi," Mihoshi shouted, "what's with the scissors? Are you going to cut up something annoying?"  
  
"Heh, no, nothing like that, Grandpa just asked me to hang these rusty ax heads from that tree over there." She looked confused.  
  
"That sounds like a funny thing to do, Tenchi."  
  
"Yeah, I guess so. Only...well, my back is bothering me today. Would you help me, Mihoshi?"  
  
"You bet, Tenchi! It's fun to help!" Tenchi placed a small step ladder on the ground, and warned Mihoshi to get the scissors out of her mouth. Kiyone remembered her walking up the wobbly ladder, the dangerously sharp scissors clutched in her slender hand.  
  
And that's when the tigers attacked.  
  
Kiyone clenched her teeth. "Tenchi, you rat bastard, I'll teach you!" Her spirits lightened considerably when she thought about what she would do when she arrived on earth.  
  
Back in the depths of Japan, the breakfast conversation at the Masaki's continued as usual.   
  
Sasami noticed something amusing out of the corner of her eye. "Hey, everyone, don't look, but I think Ryoko is knocking on the window." Tenchi snickered.  
  
"I bet she wants to come in from the rain. Lets pretend to ignore her, but in such a way as to make it obviously fake."  
  
There was something in the air in the room that day, something tangible. This time, it wasn't Sasami's hatred for Tenchi, but something more ominous...  
  
Ayeka looked across the table at her little sister, her crimson eyes jumping with the rhythm of Sasami's heartbeat. Lately, she had been seeing Sasami in a different light. Not just as her loving sibling, or even the soft, slender, blue haired subject of her lesbian fantasies. She had always been those things, but now she seemed to remind Ayeka of something, of...a delicious beverage. She licked her lips. How long she had waited to taste her virgin blood, the most sumptuous of all. Yet accursed fate had denied it to her!  
  
Meanwhile, a few feet away, Tenchi was having thoughts of his own, as surprising as that may be. He couldn't take his mind of his stomach. The Toaster Tart that he had chosen over Sasami's poisoned breakfast did little to relieve his hunger. He knew what he wanted, since he had awaken from the coma, it had been the same deep, gnawing desire every single day.  
  
"May I be excused please? I don't feel too great." Tenchi stood and walked slowly into the bathroom.  
  
Yosho looked up from his food. "Sasami, did you remember to feed the Ryoko this morning?"  
  
"Yes, sir!"  
  
"What about Ryo-oki?"  
  
"Oh no! I almost forgot!" Sasami quickly got up from the table, procured a basket of carrots from the kitchen and carefully inserted each one into the iron box that held the screaming cabbit creature. "That poor little thing!"  
  
"Yes, it is too bad," Yosho remarked, "She just hasn't been the same since that pigeon ate her face."  
  
After breakfast, Noboyuki volunteered to do the dishes. He had planned to use the opportunity to steal the butcher knife, but the damn thing was nowhere to be found. And now, he STILL had to wash the dishes!  
  
"Oh, they'll PAY for this."  
  
"Who'll pay?" Sasami asked, startling Noboyuki.  
  
"What? Uh, you know, all of the uh...conspirators! Yeah, always...plotting against me and whatnot! Ah HAHA...HA!"  
  
"O...kay..." Noboyuki flinched at the look she gave him. It was as though she thought HE was insane. But Noboyuki knew the truth. Sasami was the crazy one. She didn't even notice the black fire shooting out of her head!  
  
Princess Ayeka stood alone in her room in front of her full length mirror. She opened her robe a little more to admire her supple cleavage. For once, Ryoko was right. All that prissy princess crap was just distracting her from her true calling; to be a loyal servant of the Feuhrer. She straightened her swastika arm band and prepared to go downstairs and drive Tenchi crazy with her exposed bosom. She opened the door, only to find Tenchi outside waiting for her, and from the looks of him, he had already exceeded his recommended daily allowance of cleavage.  
  
"Oh, Herr Tenchi, you startled me!"   
  
"I'm sorry Miss Ayeka. Could I come in please? I have something very..." he paused and grinned even more, "...very important to say." She showed him into her room, wondering what could possibly be so important. Whatever he had to say, it must be good, because Ayeka had never seen him look so happy, he was smiling so hard he was twitching.  
  
"This could only mean one thing," she thought happily, "He must want to pronounce his eternal love to me!" Tenchi stepped inside and locked the door behind him.  
  
"Does this mean what I think it does, Tenchi?"  
  
"Ayeka, I was a fool not to see it earlier. Of course I'm..." he struggles to keep from laughing, "I'm in love with you." She nearly fainted at the admission.  
  
"Oh, Tenchi!" Ayeka fell into Tenchi's arms. Everything was working out perfectly.  
  
"Ayeka, listen...there's something I need you to do for me."  
  
  
  
Deep in a black, rarely seen section of Washu's lab, Sasami was being prepared for her own special event.   
  
Washu double checked her instruments. "Sasami, if you don't mind, would you strip down and get up on the table?" Sasami seemed hesitant.  
  
Washu smiled, "You don't have to be embarrassed around me, it's nothing that I haven't seen before," but the princess would only offer a doubtful smirk.  
  
  
  
Noboyuki had his own problems to worry about. With the butcher knife mysteriously absent from the kitchen, he needed something else to complete his black harvest, after all, those hearts weren't about to remove themselves. After a bit of deliberation, he decided that Yosho's Wakazashi would probably work. It wasn't meant for stabbing, but it should get the job done. The first target had to be that arrogant little midget Washu.   
  
Back in Ayeka's room, the princess was eagerly awaiting his advance, nearly shivering in anticipation of the moment when they would, as Tenchi had so romantically put it, "become one". She lay there on her bed, unabashedly nude in front of her object of desire.  
  
"Oh, Tenchi," she said, tension and lust dripping from her voice like tears from a dying clown, "pull the ropes tighter, love, my hands are slippery from all the barbecue sauce." Tenchi nods and retightens her bindings.  
  
"Ayeka, close your eyes, I want this to be special."  
  
Once more in the cold vacuum of the stars, Kiyone was still brooding.  
  
She smiles sadly. "It's just as Mihoshi would have wanted it." She thinks back once more, to Mihoshi's final words on her death bed.   
  
She had barely survived the tiger maulings, but now faced an even more excruciating death of rabies, tetanus, and rectal bleeding. Kiyone sat by her partner, looking into her remaining eye, once a bright blue, but was now cloudy and dim. Death does that sometimes. She smiled still.  
  
"Kiyone I *cough*...I guess I'm going to miss our wedding day." Kiyone gave her a comforting punch in the face for that homosexual implication. "Heh, hitting is fun. *sputter, bleed*"  
  
Kiyone put her hand to her partners head, gently stroking her soft hair. "Shut up, Mihoshi, dying people aren't allowed to talk."  
  
"No, Kiyone, it's important. I need you to promise," she turned her head away, and looked solemnly out the window, "no matter what happens to me...don't ram your ship into the house and kill Tenchi."  
  
And now the day had come, when Kiyone would finally have a chance to ram her ship into the house to kill Tenchi.  
  
"For you, my dearest..." she whispered melodramatically.  
  
Back in Okayama, Ryoko reclined on the roof of the house, sulking in her personal garden of self-loathing, cultivated by the roto-tiller of abuse. She held a pen and small notebook in her hands, once more deep in her favorite hobby; writing gothic poetry.  
  
" Terminal disease of love,  
  
misery of living  
  
an endless aria of heartfelt lies  
  
Still out of cereal.  
  
  
  
Once, feeling alone and peaceful  
  
with darkened heart and charcoal soul  
  
a living death  
  
rats ate my cheese  
  
I killed a kitty once.   
  
Pick up laundry."  
  
Ryoko couldn't deny that she was pleased with how it had turned out so far, though the rain had begun to wash away most of her work. It was okay though, since no one would read it anyway. Ryoko was quickly shaken from her cold tomb of art-house imagery by Ayeka's screams from below.  
  
"No, stop! Tenchi! Oh!" Ryoko was horrified. Her lip began to quiver.  
  
"I can't believe they're really..."  
  
"AARRG! GLAK! *gurgle*"  
  
"Tenchi, why...why with Ayeka? It's not fair!" She howled in dispair, and darted into the forest where she could be alone to simmer in her pain and grief.  
  
  
  
Washu stood aghast at the state of Sasami's young body, covered from her neck down in pink, jagged scars and needle tracks. "Sasami! What the hell happened to you?"  
  
Sasami blushed "Well...before the...incident, Mihoshi and I used to play a special game when no one was around." She blushed even more, "She called it 'cut up Sasami'." Washu raised a disqusted eyebrow.  
  
"Didn't that hurt?"  
  
"Only at first. Besides, Mihoshi was always careful when she licked the wounds. So gentle..."  
  
"OKAY, Sasami, that's enough, I don't care...just...lie down right here." Sasami complied with her instructions while Washu prepared a syringe. "Dispite your apparent...interests, Sasami, I'll still have to administer an anesthetic. This will be a fairly complex procedure." She expected Sasami to flinch when she made the injection, but instead she just smiled and shivered a little, making Washu a bit uncomfortable and aroused.   
  
"Now, stay still while it takes effect, I have one more piece of equipment to prepare." As Washu wandered away into the deeper shadows of the lab, Sasami took the opportunity to relax in her nakidity, and reflect upon her pleasant memories of Ryoko's suffering.  
  
  
  
Elsewhere in the lab, Noboyuki was becoming increasingly frustrated. He'd been searching for what seemed like hours, but still hadn't come across Washu. When it seemed that he would have to reconsider his plan, a small chuckle broke the silence. He quickly made his way to the source of the sound, creeping stealthily along the walls toward his prey, much like his architect ancestors.  
  
Sasami stared at the ceiling of the lab, but her mind was elsewhere. She couldn't get over the humor of the situation. After all that, Ryoko actually believed that a rat took her cheese. The best part was that she'd never know the terrible truth. Sasami tried to smile, but found it difficult. The drug must have been taking effect.   
  
Tenchi sat on the floor of Ayeka's room, feeling extremely tired, nursing the aching pain in his stomach.   
  
"Ayeka," he whined, "I don't think I can eat any more. I'm so full already..." he looked plaintively to his left, receiving an annoyed expression from the purple haired sock puppet on his hand.  
  
"Oh, you'll eat! We worked too hard for this to waste it!" replied the Ayeka sock. Tenchi looked back to the bed at the remains of Ayekas carcass. It had been very satisfying, but he'd already tired of the bittersweet flavor of Ayeka flesh. Still, he had no choice in the matter, and took another bite of thigh, if only to appease Ayeka Sock. Tenchi chewed and looked back at the puppet, wondering just what kind of dark, malevolent plans were forming behind her googly eyes.   
  
Noboyuki looked gleefully at the freshly stripped victim just lying there for the carving. It's such a perfect setup, he knew Achika must be involved. "Even in death, she's still looking out for me."  
  
Sasami was stirred from her fantasy about Tenchi, being disemboweled. She opened her eyes to find Noboyuki thrusting the sword repeatedly into her rib cage. She was shocked obviously, but she understood that in a situation where she was naked, paralyzed, and at the mercy of Noboyuki, that it was really the best possible outcome. She closed her eyes once more to avoid witnessing her own grotesque murder, and began lose consciousness. As her final tear drops from her face, she silently curses the damn anesthetic that robbed her of so much beautiful pain.  
  
Washu hummed merrily as she skipped through the biological research section of her lab. All that was left was to implant the engineered zygote, and she would finally have the son she'd always wanted. She stopped for a moment and considered a funny notion.  
  
"I bet Sasami thinks that she's going to be allowed to leave the lab!" She laughs at the idea, "As if!" The thought of Sasami's prolonged confinement reminded Washu of one of her favorite activities. She decided that now was definitely not the right time for such a thing...  
  
...well, maybe just for a little while.  
  
She sat alone again on the muddy forest floor, sobbing. Not only had Ryoko lost her only love, she had no hope left. Her brain would never lose it's virginity.  
  
She pulled the wet, matted hair from her face and tried to calm down. The time had come for the final option, the embrace of sweet Aunty Death. She fell back into the mud and placed her hand on her chest.  
  
She gathered energy in her hand, but suddenly stopped when she thought about what her death would mean. She thought about Tenchi, Ayeka, and little Sasami finding her body. Tenchi would slowly walk up to her corpse, fall to his knees and say something like, "Hey, lets poke Ryoko with a stick and throw her in the river."  
  
"Those jerks!" She angrily concentrated again, and suddenly heard a series of wet, brittle cracks from her chest as her organs burst. Ryoko's head fell to the side, her eyes closed forever.  
  
  
  
Thirty seconds later, her eyes opened again, which pissed her off considerably. She tried exploding her organs again, but it just didn't seem to take. "Oh, come on!"  
  
Yosho opened the door to the house, extremely annoyed that Tenchi had so easily forgotten his duties at the shrine, forcing Yosho to walk around in the rain to search for him. He stomped through the living room, glancing absently toward the kitchen. He paused when he noticed Ayeka apparently wrapping a rather large bundle of meat. Her hips were swaying beneath her robe in a much more obvious and feminine way today. Yosho smiled.  
  
"Why, if I weren't related to her," he thought, "I'd have no interest in her at all."  
  
He climbed the stairs quickly and barged into Tenchi's room, not even caring about the risks that such an action would entail. But his room was empty.  
  
"Stupid boy." he remarked, as he started back down the hall. As he walked, Yosho caught a glimpse of something peculiar behind Ayeka's partially open door. He knocked as a precaution, and receiving no reply, opened it fully. His eyes widened in disbelief as he saw the bloody room. On the bed lay the gruesome form of a woman's body, abdomen splayed, stripped of her skin and most of her meaty parts.  
  
A lesser man may have vomited at this sight. Yosho shat himself.  
  
His mind sped from one possibility to the next. In a distraught stupor, he quickly dashed to the kitchen to warn Ayeka. After practically falling down the stairs, he realized he needed to stay calm. He didn't want everyone to panic, dispite the fact that the situation probably warranted it. He ran to Ayeka's side, but was quite surprised to receive a bloody butcher knife in the eye, which probably hurt some. Tenchi turns on his grandpa with such speed that Ayeka's scalp falls from its resting place on his head.  
  
Yosho stumbled back, Tenchi forcefully pressing him against the wall, his face wrapped in Ayeka's fresh skin. In a psychotic rage, Tenchi stabbed him repeatedly in the stomach, twisting the knife with every other blow. As Tenchi ended his mad onslaught, and the dying Yosho slid down the wall, he looked up at Tenchi, and sadly realized that only a moment ago, he was awake, he was alive, and he was looking at his grandsons ass. Eww.  
  
  
  
  
  
Washu stared through the rectangular hole in the creatures holding cell. It was there just as she had left it, chained to the wall of the eternally dark room, sitting dejectedly in the corner. This was Washu's favorite part, its cognizance. She felt that her power over other creatures was only truly satisfying if they could understand it, the incredible pain! But it was more than a specimen, it was one of Washu's creations, one of her special perversions. Designed and built to suffer.  
  
There were so many possibilities, all so much fun, but she decided to go with her old standby.  
  
"Hey, Chi-chi," she teased it, "you wanna see the bunny?" She opened the door just enough to push in a small rabbit.  
  
The monster raised it's face, a diabolical Monet in rusted metal, bolts, and bone. It looked toward the lagomorphic ball of fluff. It didn't want to. It knew what was going to happen. Still...  
  
It reached its malformed fingers toward the animal. Just one touch...  
  
But the bunny exploded.  
  
"Oops!" Washu said mockingly, "Look what you did!" She laughed at the creature. Washu could practically smell its hatred. She placed the remote control back on the hook marked 'bunny exploder', and watched it a little longer as it drew its hand away from the bloody pile of entrails. The smell was so pleasurable, the pain and anger...  
  
But, the smell seemed different. This wasn't the usual smell. Washu was confused. She turned around, but mid-pivot, her neck was torn open by Noboyuki, with a strength that could only have come from madness and a balanced breakfast.  
  
Her head came off easily with a simple stomp on the blade, making a clean and simple path to her heart. Noboyuki yanked it out through her neck and stuffed it in his back pocket next to Sasami's. "Boy," he thought, "I'm sure glad I have so much room in my pants. Hhmm...that didn't sound right."  
  
He kicked Washu's torso and turned around to leave the lab. A sound from the creature stopped him. He looked back at it. "Hey...I wonder..."  
  
"Do it. Take its heart."  
  
"I don't know, Achicka. It looks like it could be dangerous."  
  
"The door's still open. Look. Murderer. I want its heart. I want its warm, delicious heart."  
  
"As you wish!" Noboyuki pulled open the heavy cell door and steps toward the inert behemoth. He drew the sword back and thrust it toward its neck. The creature wasn't oblivious though. It easily caught his hand, crushing it in its tremendous grip.   
  
Noboyuki yelped, but shock stole his voice as the mutilated creature rose to its full height, towering over him, placing him eye level with its large, hazelnut colored breasts.  
  
Ryoko had still been unable to complete her suicide, even after several energy blades, explosions, drownings, and panty hangings. She'd even decapitated herself once, but accidentally reproduced asexually.  
  
She fell to her knees in defeat. "I can't even kill myself right!" she screamed, "I'm so useless!"  
  
She sat there, still, silent. She didn't want to cry anymore, she needed an answer.  
  
"Well..." she said thoughtfully, "I can't kill myself...but..." suddenly she had the perfect solution. "I can still kill Ayeka." It seemed so obvious in retrospect.  
  
And after all, if Ayeka somehow manages to kill her instead, that's no problem. Ryoko smirked a bit, "Just another thing she can do better than me."  
  
  
  
Officer Kiyone was becoming increasingly excited. She was almost there. Tenchi was going to pay! It would be such a beautiful explosion! Everyone would pay for her loss!  
  
"You're a liar." Kiyone jumped at the whispered sound. She started to shake.  
  
"No, you shut up! Tenchi has to die."  
  
"She never loved you." Kiyone frantically searched for her pills.  
  
"I love her!"  
  
"She loved him, and you're a liar."  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"You won't find them."  
  
Where the hell was the bottle?  
  
"You wouldn't listen to me, Kiyone. You can only blame yourself."  
  
"Ah hah! Found it." Kiyone emptied the pills into her hand, quickly swallowed two of them, and waited for the mental numbness to sweep over her.  
  
"Wrong pills, dummass. I'm still here."  
  
  
  
Ryoko hid behind a tree, watching Ayeka sweep the walkway dry. She couldn't stand the sight of her, with her fancy robes and shiny hair, washed AND conditioned. She was always mocking Ryoko, flaunting her shiny haired virginity. For Ryoko, killing her would be sweeter than the sugar cubes that Sasami sneaks into her food sometimes.  
  
The huge creature, a patchwork of machinery and reanimated flesh, giggled behind its metal face as it smashed Noboyuki's head against the wall, splattering its stringy yellow hair with blood. As he lay on the ground, seizing and convulsing, his suffering gave it chills. Its mind, broken by confinement and torture, was still sharp enough to feel the pleasure in causing pain. Sharp enough to realize its freedom. It pulled against the shackles holding it to the wall, and considered its escape.  
  
With precise movements it manipulated one of the mechanical couplings on its right arm, disengaging its elbow joint and carefully sliding its arm out of the constricting metal band. The other arm, however, had no such joint. With a furious jerk against the chains, it tore its arm free of its left hand. It stumbled through the doorway, and promptly tripped over Washu. It giggled again as it stood up, and hurried off through the lab.  
  
As its grotesquely long legs carried it across the cold tile, Sasami's blue hair caught its eye. Immediately it felt a powerful joy, and nearly lept over to her, and then stood numbly with the recognition that Sasami's body was ragged and torn apart.  
  
*wonk wonk woooonnk*  
  
  
  
  
  
She'd waited long enough. Ryoko decided that it was time do to this thing. She faded through space-time all of ten feet in her approach to the Princess. She stood behind her, tense, indecisive. This is the moment it's all been leading up to. She needed to enjoy it.  
  
She raised her hand to Ayeka's head. One quick blast and her sarcastic mouth is gone forever. But she needed more! Ryoko wanted to see her fear before she died! She needed to see her face.  
  
"Hey, Ayeka!" Ayeka dropped the broom and spun around, putting her face right into Ryoko's palm. But Ryoko couldn't finish it, she was too stunned. She saw behind Ayeka's stretched and macabre face, into the brown eyes and gigantic eyebrows of Tenchi. She watched him brandish a bloody knife and plunge it into her chest. She watched the jumping plastic eyes glued to the sock on his hand. Googling.  
  
Googling...  
  
She'd committed suicide. The only person she'd ever loved had rejected her, and now, she was being stabbed to death by him. She'd lost any reason she would ever have to live. And it was still the best birthday she'd ever had.  
  
Ryoko fell to the ground, killed by her broken heart.  
  
Tenchi knelt down to Ryoko, cutting some playful shapes into her face while singing a duet of insanity with Ayeka sock.  
  
"Got three in a row..."  
  
"Go for one more..."  
  
"Go for it (I win!)..."  
  
"Connect four!"  
  
It was sunny that day, for the first time. Mihoshi had demanded that they take a walk.  
  
"Isn't this great Kiyone?"   
  
"Today is just such a great day to not be dead, don't you think? Wow! Of all the things I enjoy most, being alive is probably one of them!"  
  
"Mihoshi, sometimes you piss me off so much!"  
  
  
  
"Are you going to cut up something annoying?"  
  
"Grandpa just asked me to hang these rusty ax heads from that tree over there."  
  
"That sounds like a funny thing to do, Tenchi."  
  
"Could you help me out?"  
  
"It's fun to help!"   
  
Kiyone remembered her walking up the ladder, the dangerous scissors clutched in her slender hand. She fell.  
  
Kiyone doubled over, holding her eye. It was burning, BLEEDING.  
  
"She's laughing!" Kiyone thought. "She's sitting there laughing at what she's done!"  
  
"Calm down, Kiyone! We can't do anything stupid!" She picks the scissors off the ground.  
  
"She's always doing this! Stealing from me, hurting me, and laughing about it!"  
  
"Kiyone, don't!"  
  
"You bitch!"  
  
"Why don't you love me?!"  
  
Ayeka awoke on her back, staring at the blood red sky.   
  
"What am I doing outside?"  
  
She looked at her surroundings, some kind of wasteland. She turned over, spilling her organs onto the ground, and tried to stand. As her senses returned, she recognized the mountains, the lake, but dark and charred. Then she remembered something.  
  
"Imagine!" she thought, "Tenchi skinning and devouring ME, and under the pretense of sex! How ignoble!" she cringed at the feeling of the wind against her skinless body, "And so terribly annoying." She smirked as she surveyed the smoldering ruins of the house. "Serves him right."  
  
Ayeka hoped that she could find Sasami. She could really use that drink about now. 


End file.
